Dealing with Unmet Expectations in Marriage PII

Unmet Expectations2

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:6

What causes you to be unstable? What do you need to do to become more stable and to have an Anchor for the storms of life?

James is addressing Christians who are relying on themselves and not really wholeheartedly seeking after God. Is this what we do in our marriages and family way too much? Christ is here in our marriage, and He implores us to literally beg for wisdom because we are empty in of ourselves. If we do not seek wisdom, but remain in our own thinking, we will be un-tethered like a small boat without an anchor in a storm, tossed and tumbled in the waves of stress and life that comes from the buildup of disappointments. We will be literally unstable mentally, relationally, and spiritually without our Lord’s direction! Then our marriage breaks down to dysfunction and worse…

  • When we think or want just to be please, we are not caring for the other person.
  • To begin to realign our composure, look to God’s Word, which is telling us we are to accept His plan for our life and then ask for wisdom to deal with it. Then we can start the process to be better communicators and care for one another.
  • What we are not to do is to spend our heart and thoughts in disappointments, then we are not seeking what we could have, that is better.
  • When we are just listening to the noise and or what others who are less mature have to say we dig ourselves deeper in a mess. Rather, we are to seek God and His Word to give us the knowledge to grow and to get through.
  • God assures us that when we seek Him, He will respond. When we ask for wisdom, He will give it to us! The key is to ask by faith. And then act upon it.
  • Seek what is going wrong and look at it from His perspective.
  • What can I do, in the Fruit of the Spirit and real love, so a solution can be had?

This is the confidence in God’s power that without doubt, He is there and He will help. For, if we doubt, we will not have confidence, and we will be tossed, by our struggles, to the point that they drown us.

So, to start our realignment, “Ask God,” be willing to beg God passionately, realizing we are helpless and in great need. He is the source of wisdom and the One we are to go to for all aspects of life!

Know that Christ will grant our request as long as it is sincere and in His will.  If not, just as this passage in James one states, we will be “Tossed” and remain in our situation or make it worse. As being unstable, immature, and weak in faith.

Do not be the person or have the marriage that refuses to learn and grow, who keep doing the same things over that are not working expecting different results just to be miserable. We only become un-tossed by the Anchor of who Christ is in us, and pursuing Him. Do not be tossed, be in Christ then we will “Be given!” As, life is about pleasing God, not pleasing one’s self or our spouse! Although, we should be thoughtful and proactive in our romance and relationship. Life, is about abandoning our desires and be focused on Him! His plan is far better than our desires (1 Kings 3:5-9; Prov. 2:6; Luke 11:9; Eph. 4:14-16; James 4:2; 1 John 3:21-24; 5:14-15)!!

What is not right in your life that needs wisdom and attention from God?

Bring Christ into your marriage.



Dealing with Unmet Expectations in Marriage PI


If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”  James 1:5

What do you do when you are disappointed and overwhelmed? Because of this passage, what will you do now?

There is perhaps nothing in the human condition that causes situational depression, marriage ills and general unhappiness, than having a dream or goal, or even and idea shatters. And many take this further to a perception of anticipation. Like you suppose she will make you dinner every day, but she works and can’t. He will always be attentive, but he is not. You are frustrated. You assume he will take you to dinner each Friday night, but sometimes he has to work. You are frustrated. He does not listen. She is aloof. And so on, and so on, creating unmet expectations. As irritation builds upon frustrations that build upon suspicions and doubts until they become exasperation and hopelessness.

Marriage becomes not what we assume it would be, and it does not turn out as we liked, so we engage our defensive weapons and the downhill spiral begins.

In the case of our spouse, they are not who we thought or wanted to be, or they just disappointed us too often. In the aftermath, usually, we have no plan A or B; we just let our frustrations build until they explode. We get angry, resentful, then we fight back in the wrong ways and then settle in despair or separation and then there is divorce.

  • When we have unmet expectations, we need to take a careful look and see if those expectations are reasonable. Then, what can we do to realign our thinking and learn to communicate and build; rather than fester in disappointments and teardown.
  • Unmet expectations create doubt and frustration and they will come at us when we are not exercising our faith. We will be consumed with doubt that turns into suspicion and distrust, the opposite of God’s call and plan for us and our marriage.
  • When lose our trust and hope that God is in control, we will lose the miracles that can happen in our marriage!
  • When we allow disappointment to rule our heart and home we will lose or miss out on seeing God come through with His promises!

When we do not communicate to God and not hear one another in pour home, we will miss the opportunity to slow the pride and awaken the hope to give ear to listening and communication!

In business, only the people who know how to be successful, will take their experiences of setbacks and frustrations and learn from them, fix what did not work, turn them around and keep trying. Then they will be successful. Why do we not do this in marriage? Most will not even try to learn. They just stay frustrated. For the Christian, we have the characters of tenacity and diligence to build on, as those who are successful and so much more. We are called to learn, grow and make it work, and given the tools to make it so. We have God’s Word, His Holy Spirit and Fruit and a life outlook that shows us so much more where our hopes and dreams can be laid upon.

We also have the great tools of listening and forgiveness too. If we so dare to use them. And of course, we have the person and work of Christ. And, in our marriage, we can apply those precepts and turn our unhappiness from our unmet expectations into a joyful marital union.

How can you become more confident that God gives us the plan and the victory?


How does your marriage compare to God’s call? PII

Eph 4 26

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27

This is a reminder of our position in Christ, a result of our redemption that should be exhibited in our new life in Christ.  In Christ, our old nature has died and now we are clothed in His new nature and life.  We also become more Christ-like in character and attitude as we grow and mature in Him. Therefore, we can understand God’s truths and apply them to our lives without excuse. In so doing, our marriages will become more triumphant not only to one another and our families, then also to the glory of our Lord (Rom. 6:1-14; 8:29; 1 Cor. 15:49; Gal. 2:20-21; Eph. 1:3; Phil. 3:10-20; 2:1-101 John 3:2).

Let’s look at this keyword, Anger.  It centers around all that most people do that can come out bad, a word steeped in emotion and unhinged response. Whereas a Christian, we have a higher calling with it. The emotion in of itself is not bad, as it can be used for good motivations too. Even Jesus got rightly angry in Matthew 24. Our call, in life and here marriage, is do not hold on to anger, or it will fester and become unjust. Then all is will do is bring us unpleasantness and bitterness.  When this happens, we must seek to break the bonds that destroy others and us. Our beliefs must affect our behaviors; our language must affect and reflect our faith.  If not, our faith and thinking are skewed or even absent (Psalm 4:4; Isa. 63:10; Hos. 7:6; Eph. 4:31; James 1:19-20; 3:9-10).

What counters anger is the Fruit of the Spirit, in this case in this passage, being kind and compassionate or having tender mercies.  This is a Fruit produces a readiness to respond with righteousness and thoughtful consideration beyond how people treat us or how they may or may not deserve it (Matt. 11:29-30; Rom. 2:1-4; 12:9-21; 2 Cor. 6:6; Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:12-14; 1 Tim. 3:4; 1 John 3:16-23).

So, when we are caring, we hold back the emotion and the escalation of it. Our empathy of another person outside of basic selfish nature will be the brakes that slow down anger.

This will come about when we see our spouse in the light of who they are in Christ, not who they are in our irritation.

It is to recognize, emotionally identify with, and interact with those who are hurting, and helping them by gathering with others with the abilities and resources to help them (Job 29:13; Isa. 40:11; Matt. 9:36; 14:14; Mark 1:41; Luke 6:36; 10:25-37; 19:4; Rom. 12:1-2; James 5:11; 1 Peter 3:8). But how can I do this? This passage gives us the clue, know that God forgave you.  We are to extend the forgiveness to others, to our spouse, because Christ had forgiven us. (John 6:37, 44, 65;13:1; 15:16; Rom. 5:1-8; Eph. 1:4-5; Phil. 1:6; Col. 1:21-22; 2:10; 3:1-14; 1 John 4:9-11)!

How to I apply this passage?

Realize that God loves you and accepts you more powerfully, passionately, purposefully, and deeply than you could ever fathom!

You are secure.  God “guarantees” you with a clear, powerful, loving, impacting, and lasting relationship with Him.  When you are in Christ, God is pleased with you!  Now see your spouse in this light of how God sees them. You have no need to fear; you are both people of deep value and worth before our Lord!  You are both forgiven because of Christ and His righteousness that covers you, not because of your deeds or performance.  You are unique and complete in Him; and because of this, you are each a special person whom God loves and will use to further impact His kingdom.   He does this for all of who are His.

How do we do this in a life of hardship, setbacks, busyness, and uncertainty?

Simply by allowing the Word–Christ’s presence–to dwell in us, and learn His instruction, so the peace of Christ will rule in our hearts and minds and translate into our actions.

It is all about our spiritual growth impacting us so it impacts those around us positively and in love.  Get in His Word more and commune with Him by prayer. And a good fellowship is also crucial. The key is to know that Christ is sufficient, so we can trust in Him–trust in Him alone (Read all of Eph. 4)!

Take an inventory of your life, thinking, behaviors, then go through All of Ephesians 4, look at the key words, and ask:

  • What do I need to put off?
  • What do I need to put on?
  • How do I do that?
  • How do I fail in this area?
  • How can I do this better?